What You Rebuild in Yourself After a Relationship Ends

It’s Tuesday evening. You finish work and for a moment expect to spend the evening with your partner. Then you remember the relationship has ended. Before you got together, you used to go to an art group on Tuesdays.

At first you missed the occasional session because that was the easiest night to see your partner. After a while, you stopped going. Now you find yourself wondering what it would be like to go back.

The First Evening Back

The first evening back may feel awkward. You spend some of it thinking about your ex. Then someone at your table makes you laugh, and for a while you get absorbed in what you’re making.

On the way home, you reach for your phone to tell your ex about it. It hurts when you remember that they’re no longer the person you tell. You can feel that loss and still be glad you went.

Listen to the Part of You That Still Wants Closeness

In The Art of Inner Relationship, I call the part of you that wants intimacy and partnership the lover. After a breakup, this part of you may still want someone to ask how your evening went, or to see what you made and care about it.

On that walk home, you can miss being able to tell your ex about the evening and still look forward to seeing the people at the group again. Give yourself a moment to listen to both. You might realise you’ve missed having friends to talk to about what you’re making. You could ask someone from the group if they’d like to meet for coffee before the next session.

Rebuild Trust in Your Own Judgement

Looking back, you may wish you’d kept going to the group. You cared about making time for your partner, and missing a session here and there may have seemed like a small thing. Now you can see how much you miss having that time for yourself.

If the first evening back felt worthwhile, put the next session in your diary. When Tuesday comes, give yourself a moment to notice what you need. You might feel nervous about going again and still want to be there. On a week when you’re exhausted, you might decide to rest.

You build trust in your own judgement each time you take what matters to you seriously enough to act on it. That includes changing a plan when you know you need something different.

Stay Connected to Yourself When You’re Close to Someone

Being able to feel whole in your own company gives you a foundation for what I call an interdependent relationship. You can lean on each other and share your lives while each of you stays in touch with what you need and what matters to you.

Imagine you’re getting to know someone and they ask to see you on Tuesday. You can say, “I’d love to see you. Tuesday is my art group. How about Thursday?” You get to hear what works for them, too. Sometimes you’ll change a plan because you want to be there for each other. Over time, you can pay attention to whether both of you have room to say what you want and whether both of you make an effort to find something that works.

That tells you something about the kind of relationship you’re choosing. You can be excited about getting closer and still keep a friendship, an interest or an evening to yourself. You can bring those parts of your life into a relationship you’re building together.

Make One Choice This Week

Think of one thing that used to matter to you and has had less of your attention lately. Choose one small way to give it time this week. You might go back to a group for one evening or ask a friend to go for a walk.

If part of you hesitates, listen to it before you decide. You might be tired, worried about going on your own or sad that you used to do it with your ex. Choose a version that takes that feeling into account. An hour with a friend may be enough. Afterwards, notice what it was like to make a choice that included what you needed.

You can be making room for your own life and still find your attention going back to the relationship. My nine-stage Relationship Recovery course gives you a map for working through one past relationship, from understanding what still draws you back to deciding what you want to carry forward.

In Returning to Yourself, the Inner Check-In Practice helps you notice what you feel and ask what that part of you needs. Think of the moment on the way home when you reach for your phone. You can recognise how much you miss sharing your day with someone and begin to understand what would help you now. The course combines teaching, guided hypnotherapy, practice and reflection to help you rebuild your relationship with yourself and give your needs a place as you get close to someone again.